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Monday, September 16, 2013

‘Nothing Was the Same’ Full Album Review

1. “Tuscan Leather”

OPENING TRACK. Here’s what a lot of people already know about Tuscan Leather: It's a fragrance by Tom Ford that, per some, smells like cocaine, and so that’s supposed to be why this song is called “Tuscan Leather.” But here’s what a lot of people don’t know, which leads to what the song is actually about:

Two years ago, Drake was in a car accident. It happened late, late, late one night outside of Nova Scotia. You didn’t read about it because it wasn’t reported by anyone and that’s exactly how Drake’s camp wanted it. But here’s the thing: The accident was serious. REAL serious. Drake was pinned under the steering wheel. He couldn’t move. So when the car eventually caught fire all he could do was sit there and scream and watch the skin from each of his thighs get burned off. It was totally traumatizing.

And so but when they took Drake to the hospital, Drake was still Drake, which is to say that he didn’t opt for regular skin grafting like a normal human because Drake most assuredly is not a normal human. Drake chose a leather graft, which is just like a regular skin graft but except instead of skin doctors use leather. DRAKE WANTED LEATHER THIGHS. He’d wanted them since he was a kid. It was the most luxurious thing his brain could imagine. So, presented with the opportunity, that’s what he got as replacements because when Drake says shit then shit happens. Leather thighs. What’s more, he wanted ITALIAN leather thighs straight from Tuscany, because fuck your tacky American leather thighs. This ain’t Walmart, bro. Italian leather thighs is a little thing called having some true class.

Now, I get it: This is an odd, unbelievable bit of information to process. But, I mean, think on like this: Drake should’ve definitely already had a few naked selfies leak out onto the Internet, right? Like, that’s the most Drake thing for Drake to do. There’s no reason that that shouldn’t have happened 50 times over. But he never has. There are zero Drake peen pics anywhere. And that’s because, while he’s mostly fond of his new thighs, he understands that they look a little odd (basically like those Swiss Rolls snack cakes). He’s very self-conscious about them. And so that’s actually what this song is really about: The cognitive dissonance of knowing that you are in possession of the type of luxury that’d bow a king’s spine, but being too insecure to show it. Best line: “Tufted leather thighs, girl. Jewel-encrusted heavy sighs, girl. Secretly feel that luxury on my thighs, girl. But recognize the pain in my eyes, girl.”

2. “Furthest Thing”

This song isn’t actually a song, it’s a four-minute apology from Drake about the past five years of Lil Wayne’s career. “I know the saying,” a noticeably somber Drake begins. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But release Rebirth and then I Am Not A Human Being* though and OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THAT I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.” Wayne pops in for a moment. Drake asks him if he wants to say anything. Wayne comes on just long enough to make some half-warmed cunnilingus reference (“I wear your legs like a hat, your butt cheeks are a visor, I lick that puddy-wuddy cat, yo’ pussy lips be like, ‘Hi, sir’”) before Drake grabs the mic away and then apologizes again. Poor Drake. #ripLilWayne

I Am Not A Human Being II
Lil Wayne

*Question: Who’s the guy that said, “Oh, oh yeah, definitely, Wayne. What rap really needs is I Am Not A Human Being 2. That’s what the game needs. Shit’s hot fire, son!” Because FUCK that guy.

3. “Started From The Bottom”

You know this one already. Skip.

4. “Wu-Tang Forever”

I listened to the whole Wu-Tang Forever double disc album prior to listening to this song because I wanted to be able to catch even the most impossible-to-spot reference or hat-tip that Drake laid out there in the song. In the end, do you know what I got? A great, big boner in the butthole, is what. IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WU-TANG. He makes a U-God joke, but that's it. And, I mean, fucking EVERYBODY makes U-God jokes.

5. “Own It”

Note: Drake is far too complex for just regular words all the time. That’s why there’s no commentary here, just a selfie that I was inspired to take while listening to this song, which I guess is actually just a different sort of commentary.

-Me, lying on a fancy rug almost crying, realizing that someone else has just walked in the room as I’m taking selfies lying on a fancy rug almost crying, listening to “Own It”

6. “Worst Behaviour”

“Worst Behaviour” is a theme track. It’s just a bunch of brags about hoodrat shit Drake does with his friends, like how he spells “behavior” as “behaviour” and “honor” as “honour” and “flavor” as “flavour” and so. That’s basically it. It’s okay, I guess. Or, rather, it’s oukay. Best line: “I spell all kind of shit wrong, I got a disease. Color like c-o-l-o-r? Nah, gimme the U, too, please."

7. “From Time”

REALLY EXCITING. What Drake does is take a bunch of clips from that movie The Land Before Time and splice them together and malibooyah: SONG OF THE YEAR. It’s really remarkable. Best line: “Drizzy got the hoes, dark to darker like soot, yo’ girl give me that long neck, call her rap game Little Foot.”

8. “Hold On, We're Going Home”

You know this one already. Skip.

9. “Connect”

3:18 seconds of someone crying. Like, that's all this is. There’s no intro. There’s no accompanying music. There’s no explanation. There’s no nothing. Just sobbing. It’s soft crying, mostly; the cry that happens a few moments before THE BIG CRY. I’m not sure what’s going on. Maybe someone was watching What Dreams May Come? I don't know. I just know that that movie is fucking brutal. “Oh, I know, let’s start the movie by showing a happy family and then let's immediately kill the kids. And then right after that, the husband dies by getting squished by a car. And then after that, the wife kills herself and goes to hell where they have a ground made of human faces and you have to step on them to walk. That’ll be a good movie.” WTF BRO NO IT WON'T IT'LL BE A HEARTBREAKING MOVIE AND IT'LL MAKE ME SO SAD THAT I THROW UP ALL OVER MY OWN SADNESS BONER.

10. “The Language”

-Here’s me sitting under my desk almost crying, listening to “The Language”

11. “305 To My City,” feat. Detail

This one was produced by Terio from those Vine videos. What a sad bit of commentary that whole situation is. I guess I just don’t understand why everyone thinks it’s so funny and cool that a kid is so massively overweight and barely capable of movement and. Fuck you, fuckers. I hope when you get to heaven the guy behind the camera for Terio videos is there going “OOH KILL ’EM KILL ’EM” as God does that Terio Molly dance right before he opens the trap door and sends you freefalling towards hell.

12. “Too Much”

GIF of Tom Hardy crying while holding an English bulldog because, I mean, come on.

13. “Pound Cake,” feat. Jay Z / “Paris Morton Music 2”

If you thought this was a song where “pound cake” was a euphemism for getting money then you were wrong and if you thought this was a song where “pound cake” was a euphemism for mashing on vaginas then you were wrong, too, but if you thought this was a song about real, actual pound cakes then congratulations. THIS IS A SONG ABOUT REAL, ACTUAL POUND CAKES. Jay Z does his old man staccato flow: “I got pound cakes, they’re round cakes, I found the cakes, it’s mounds of cakes.”

Go buy the album. Drake is the king.

Can't get enough Drizzy? Get hyped for his upcoming Would You Like a Tour? tour (featuring Miguel and Future) with this mix.

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